So. Bored, 2:34am, feel like posting some old stuff -- so here are a few older things...like 8+ years old. Not necessarily the most family-friendly stuff I've ever written, mais c'est la vie, non?
Enjoy.
And this is how things are going...
Tonight the cat was knocking shit over
so I go to the table and look underneath and
she's calmly chewing on something.
A chunk of whatever it is sits on the floor before her,
it looks like a french fry,
I reach to pick it up to throw it away
and it squishes like a rotting maggot
and just then she vomits another
french fry looking thing onto the floor.
The cat vomit seemed like a pretty good metaphor for my life as of late.
12-5-02
12:27 a.m.
"yeah well, i turn to..."
yeah well--i turn to
the queer
&said(pointblank)
"yr life the style
yr life's style--thereof--
empty/lonely PointlessPointless."
realized mirror acknowledged mirror I was staring in
was mirror a mirror
a mirror
I am pointless am empty
am pointless am lonely
Ah, to love a boy to love sincere
to love to lose
will lose, cannot not lose
cannot not not--
triply negative,
like my outlook,
Being a pessimist is a good way to avoid
ever truly loving anyone.
9-3-02
the title is "untitled"
Once (years back)
I turned to my friend
said "drugs are so fucked up" ...
... "how much they control you?"
he finished
how much control
they control
they control you.
My name is Ross and I'm an addict.
12step my way to salvation
OR
inject my way to Hell
And I'd panic my way along either path.
Where do you go when here and there are equally dismal options?
What do you do when you're too sad for sober yet dread every drug?
I'm in a horrible fucking place here,
I'm a queer atheist junky!
So where the fuck to go now?
9-29-02
puddles, trees
so today I awoke
orchid in head
and gave it all away.
The "all" being
my grip on the here,
any thought of the now,
trees Feel.
Chainsaws roar through the awareness of leaves,
puddlejumping in branches waving shade
in the oil and cum of the street,
leaping in splashing down the block
from the catastrophe of
white trash eyeing my innocence
pretended for show
Eye through plight of falling forest,
I give this away,
Flower in mind withers, decays,
Puddles soak through to my skin beneath denim.
7-31-02
Down II
Cigarette explodes in a plume of orange glitter
on the highway behind me
(litterbug, firebug)
And I drive on, watch for deer,
aimless and gutless
humming "I dream of jeannie"
Five months ago I slit my wrists
and my mind inside
exploded in a plume of orange glitter
And I moved on.
gutless then as now
Aimless and gutless
I dreamt of tsunami...
Oh, the places we end up
when we lose our grip and plummet upward
and then crash back down
with the ear-shattering velocity
of a stone through the sky.
Five months ago I choked down 60 pills
looked through a haze to see me,
and now I am left with a head full of monsters and screams.
There is a place in my mind inside
where all the nightmares come true
And the warmth I once felt
is a plume of orange glitter.
8-11-02
Down
"So how long you been down?"
Her patient eye took in my vein
She smelled on me the Montana glory
of a season of rehab and sun
"Got a shot set right here"
And her fingers like icicles
came clutching my arm,
like a popsicle, an otter pop,
Frozen skin soaked in need.
"Just one hit won't hurt..."
And she peeled back my flesh
exposing an artery
then stuck deep
and the rush...
"You know it's a dream"
And I woke with a start
to the scent of my demon
gone crashing through the sky,
her ever-starved cackle wafting back on the breeze.
*
That's probably more than enough, eh?
Love & Sushi-Scented Kisses,
Rosswell
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