Frustration, Forgiveness, Tension, Release

"He lay listening to the water drip in the woods. Bedrock, this. The cold and the silence. The ashes of the late world carried on the bleak and temporal winds to and fro in the void. Carried forth and scattered and carried forth again. Everything uncoupled from its shoring. Unsupported in the ashen air. Sustained by a breath, trembling and brief. If only my heart were stone."
          Cormac McCarthy, "The Road"

So lately I have been feeling some of that old frustration and dissatisfaction with my life creeping back in through the cracks in the veneer. The difference between this and past attempts, however, is that I am actually talking to people about how irritable I'm feeling. It seems that if I can just talk about the things that are going on with me, I can take some of the power away from that feeling.

I sometimes get the feeling that recovery must purely be oriented around reintegrating oneself into society at large. I have no interest in society, or in a nice house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, and I am completely appalled by the idea of the "American Dream." I'd like to say that I want my recovery to be such that I can go on being myself, but unfortunately I really have no idea who I am--for the most part. 

Some of the very few things I do know about myself are:
  1. I am loyal, fiercely loyal, and I love my friends.
  2. I am willing to be a new person.
  3. I am happy for the first time since--well, who knows?

I wasn't happy before--that's one of the most important things for me to remember. I was never happy in my previous life--being a junky was not fulfilling or worthwhile. 

If only my heart were stone.

I started on antidepressants this week. I am taking Lexapro--my prescriber felt that it would be less likely to cause hideous side-effects, so there ya go. It's nice that I'm willing to remain open to that sort of thing, but on the other hand it sort of feels like a failure. I had to acknowledge that I was beginning to feel depressed again, and that is the most dangerous ground of all for me, the slipperiest slope of all.

Tyler & I started a band. We're a new style of core, fancy-pants-core, and yes, it will be fancy. Granted, we haven't made any music so far, but it's really more about image and marketing, right? We're gonna be millionaires.

Love,
Rosswell